sad news from the Lucas Reviews Everything headquarters this evening. my dog Luger, who i reviewed here, has passed away. as you all know Luger was a very special dog. in that he was gang-affiliated and only ate scrap metal. this morning he tried and almost succeeded at eating a shuttle van that was parked outside my apartment. Luger got about 3 quarters of the way through the van before he finally died. his death was actually totally unrelated to eating 3 quarters of a shuttle van- while eating it he was attacked and killed by another dog that i assume was affiliated with a rival dog gang (it, like Luger, was heavily tattooed). i have returned Luger's body to the swamp where i originally found him. i think it's what he would have wanted. i mean obviously what he really would have wanted is not to have died in a gang-related murder but what's done is done and the swamp is really close to where i live and dog funerals are kind of expensive.
this is a very sad time for me. i hope you all understand what i am going through and that you bare with me for the next 2 or 3 days while i grieve. also, i am offering a $5,000 reward to whoever can find the dog that murdered Luger. i need a new dog to replace Luger. thank you.